


We'll Get There One Day

by RoxyXKarkat



Series: I Would Give You The Sky [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Karen is Peter's deadname, Kidnapping, M/M, Parent Bucky Barnes, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, bucky is a good dad, he loves his trans son, trans!peter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-03-01 20:29:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13302603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoxyXKarkat/pseuds/RoxyXKarkat
Summary: The Winter Soldier had once been tasked with capturing a young girl, she was to become HYDRA's greatest weapon, loyal to no one else. After killing Karen Parker's parents the Winter Soldier brought her to HYDRA, her name was discarded and she became the Scarlet Spider.And she became everything HYDRA hoped she would be, completing her first assassination at only five years old. But no one had anticipated that when the Scarlet Spider was sent on a mission alongside the Winter Soldier some of the Winter Soldier's old memories would resurface, prompting him to take the Scarlet Spider with him as he fled HYDRA.





	1. The Scarlet Spider

The Winter Soldier sat patiently in the passenger seat of the car HYDRA had assigned him, watching the house across the street. Inside he could see a young woman rocking a little girl no older than three. A man walked in from another room and wrapped his arms around his wife. The three of them were the picture of happiness and if the Winter Soldier were one to feel emotions he might feel bad that their happiness would be ruined in only a few hours.  
  
The Winter Soldier watched as the family walked up the stairs to retire for the evening. Most people wouldn’t go to bed so early, but considering what their child was, her parents were most likely exhausted. As the lights in the house shut off the Winter Soldier took a brief glance at the setting sun. He had only an hour until it was dark, and his driver, a HYDRA agent whose name the Winter Soldier had not been given, was drumming his fingers impatiently on the steering wheel. While he could certainly sneak in now, it was too risky when there was still a chance of being seen, it was better to wait for the cover of night to hide him.  
  
It was nothing short of miraculous that HYDRA had even managed to find the child in the first place. Many attempts had been made to create technology that could detect specific kinds of mutations, not just the presence of the X-gene, but nearly every one ended in failure. The only machine to work didn’t last more than two minutes, but, as it turned out, that was all the time HYDRA had needed. They had found a child with enhanced senses and strength, and a healing factor at least ten times greater than the Winter Soldier’s. The fact that the child also had the ability to stick to walls would be invaluable for assassinations, and while the girl’s age might be viewed as a setback by some, HYDRA saw it as an opportunity. They had found the perfect soldier who could be trained to obey every command without the need of having her memory wiped, she would grow to be loyal to HYDRA and no one else. Yes, the child was a rare prize, one they could not afford to lose. That was why the Winter Soldier had been tasked with retrieving her.  
  
Once the sun had finished setting and darkness provided the perfect cover the Winter Soldier slipped out from the car and quietly approached the house. He climbed effortlessly to the child’s bedroom window, unlocked since it was on the second floor, and slipped inside. The walls of the girl’s room were a pale pink colour and many toys were scattered about the floor. Meanwhile Karen Parker snored quietly on her bed, oblivious to the danger in her presence. Or at least the Winter Soldier thought so, but no sooner had he taken a step forward than the child’s eyes opened and she sat up.  
  
“Who are you?” she whispered. The Winter Soldier said nothing, but he made a mental note that the girl’s senses were even greater than his superiors had anticipated. Karen Parker was standing now, and judging by the look of fear on her face she was about to call for her parents. The Winter Soldier quickly walked up to her and reached to grab her, but she immediately jumped from her bed and onto the wall. “Mommy! Daddy!” she screamed. Before she could cry out any more the Winter Soldier grabbed her arm and pulled her towards him, clamping his metal hand over her mouth.  
  
“Be still and silent or you will die,” he hissed. The girl’s eyes widened and she stopped struggling in his grip. The sound of footsteps was fast approaching and the Winter Soldier knew the child’s parents would be there in less than a minute. He adjusted his grip on the girl so that he was holding her to his chest with his left arm, his hand still clamped around her mouth just in case, and pulled out the pistol resting at his hip. The silencer would prevent the neighbours from hearing anything, and the Parkers’ bodies wouldn’t be found until the next day at least.  
  
The girl’s mother was the first to run into the room and she fell instantly and without a sound as the Winter Soldier shot her in the head. A cry of outrage came from Karen Parker’s father, but he never made it past the body of his wife before a bullet had been shot through his head too. Karen Parker was crying and struggling in the Winter Soldier’s grip, but he squeezed the hand over her mouth and bit tighter and she stilled out of fear.  
  
No longer needing to worry about being caught, the Winter Soldier easily stepped over the Parkers’ bodies and descended the stairs. The child had begun crying again, but she was being silent and didn’t move so the Winter Soldier ignored her. Leaving through the front door of the people he murdered the Winter Soldier brought her back to the car, the driver’s shoulders sagging with relief when he saw the crying child in his arms.  
  
“Keep hold of her ‘til we get back,” the driver said as the Winter Soldier slammed the door shut. He said nothing to acknowledge that he heard him, he simply sat quietly and tightened his grip on the girl, making her whimper. The drive was silent, and after only two hours Karen Parker finally managed to cry herself to sleep.

Alexander Pierce was waiting for them when they arrive at the base. He walked briskly up to them and held his arms out to the Winter Soldier, who placed the sleeping girl in them. Pierce smiled and shook her gently, causing her to wake. Karen Parker stared blankly at the man holding her, all the fight gone from her now.

“Hello Scarlet Spider,” Pierce said.  
  
“My name’s Karen,” the child mumbled fearfully. “Who’re you? I want Mommy and Daddy!” She began to raise her voice and feebly tried to push herself out of Pierce’s grasp, the Winter Soldier placed his hand on her shoulder and she immediately stilled.  
  
Pierce smiled and nodded to the Winter Soldier. “You’re dismissed,” he said. The Winter Soldier turned and followed the scientists that were waiting to put him back into stasis. Before he was completely out of earshot, he heard Pierce tell the child: “HYDRA is your mother and father now, and you are no longer Karen Parker. You are the Scarlet Spider. Hail HYDRA.”


	2. Bucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three years after bringing the Scarlet Spider to HYDRA the Winter Soldier is tasked to work with her again, and while the mission should have been easy, things don't go as planned.

Three years passed before the Winter Soldier saw the Scarlet Spider again, and in that time she was fully trained and assimilated into HYDRA. Trained in multiple methods of combat and spy work, she became as valuable an asset as the Winter Soldier. Her first assassination was completed when she was five years old, and her second came only a month later. She recovered numerous time-sensitive data for HYDRA, advancing their work more quickly than it ever could have without her. She was the prize of HYDRA, she was HYDRA’s daughter, their Little Scarlet Spider.

The Winter Soldier was awoken from cryostasis and given his new mission: protect the Scarlet Spider as she gathers intel on a couple who may be a risk to HYDRA and, should they be found guilty, aid her in disposing of them. The couple’s names were Jonathan and Harriet Mailer and they had a son named James who was six years old. James Mailer was an outcast and without any friends, therefor it was determined that the best course of action would be for the Scarlet Spider to befriend him in order to gather information on his parents. The Winter Soldier was also informed that the Scarlet Spider had been given orders to do as he commanded since she was not quite ready to perform a mission on her own yet.

When the Winter Soldier met the Scarlet Spider again he no longer had any memory of her, and she of him, so for them they were both meeting each other for the first time. The first thing the Winter Soldier noticed was her stance, she stood like any soldier and carried herself fiercely despite her size. She regarded him with a blank emotionless expression much like his own, and her eyes were just as calculating as his. In the ten seconds that they regarded each other they both thought of five different ways they could take the other down, (a force of habit), and determined all the ways the other might prove useful.

“Good to work with you, sir.” The Scarlet Spider’s voice was flat and professional, betraying not a hint of emotion. The Winter Soldier gave a brief nod in acknowledgement, it seemed likely that as a child she would need a few signs from him to show he had heard her. Despite her age it seemed likely to him that their mission would prove easy enough, she was obviously capable. After being briefed on how to best work together and given all the necessary supplies they were taken to the apartment they would be staying in for the few weeks that their mission would take. They would be acting under the alias of Matthew Mcnair and his daughter Crystal.

The apartment was across the street from the Mailers, with a broad view of the entire street outside of the window. They arrived at precisely 2:30 in the afternoon and the Scarlet Spider immediately began unpacking. She wasted no time in setting up multiple look out points in the apartment and the surrounding area where she could observe their targets, meanwhile the Winter Soldier prepared rations and stored weapons all throughout the apartment. By the end of the day they had a clear view of the inside of the Mailers’ house and front yard. The Scarlet Spider explained her plan to the Winter Soldier as they ate their rations that evening, afterwards they both took turns sleeping and keeping watch over the Mailers’ home. The Scarlet Spider required more sleep than the Winter Soldier due to her age, but he was able to go for days without sleeping, so this was not an inconvenience.

The next day the Scarlet Spider went and introduced herself to James Mailer, who was sitting in the front yard of his house by himself. She immediately made it clear that she preferred playing with him to spending time with any of the other children in the area and in only twenty minutes the two had become inseparable. The Winter Soldier kept watch over her from either the apartment window or from under a tree, when the Mailers asked the Scarlet Spider about him she told them that he was still troubled from his time in the military and the death of her mother, so he didn’t like to talk to people. They smiled sadly when she told them this, and told her to let him know that if there was anything they could do for them to just ask.

This continued for several days, the Scarlet Spider would spend the day playing with James Mailer while the Winter Soldier watched and every few days the Scarlet Spider would send in a report to HYDRA. While the Scarlet Spider could not get any useful information on Jonathan and Harriet Mailer through their son, she knew to wait for an opportunity to present itself, and exactly two weeks into the mission, one did.

The Scarlet Spider returned early to the apartment one day and informed the Winter Soldier that she had been invited to attend James Mailer’s seventh birthday party and that he was invited as well. Since they had only one day to prepare a plan they made sure to act quickly. The Scarlet Spider already knew from James Mailer’s parents what he wanted for his birthday, so she bought an action figure for him and clumsily wrapped it, (though she could have been much more professional had the situation called for it). She and the Winter Soldier discussed a plan for how he would behave while in the house, though ideally she would be doing all the talking, and HYDRA delivered an assortment of listening devices for the Scarlet Spider to plant around the house while they were there, which she hid in the sleeves of her shirt and pockets.

The Winter Soldier and the Scarlet Spider arrived at the Mailers house the next day and were greeted enthusiastically by their son. The interior of the house was decorated with colourful streamers and there were multiple balloons scattered about the place. The Mailers smiled warmly at the Winter Soldier and offered him some food, but did not try to converse with him beyond that, clearly they respected the privacy they believed he needed. The Winter Soldier sat in an armchair and watched as the Scarlet Spider gave James Mailer her present to him. The boy shrieked with delight when he saw the toy, and soon he and the Scarlet Spider were running about the house playing with the rest of his action figures.

Since the Scarlet Spider was much more athletic than an ordinary child she pretended to tire when James Mailer did, collapsing onto the floor next to him and laughing.

“Try not to wear yourselves out before supper,” Harriet Mailer scolded. The Scarlet Spider grinned at her.

“I can do this all day!” she declared, and suddenly the Winter Soldier couldn’t remember how to breathe.

The room seemed to shrink in on itself until it wasn’t there anymore. All he could see was a pair of eyes that were an incredible shade of blue, bluer than all the skies and oceans in the world, and that thought felt just as oddly familiar as the sight of those impossibly blue eyes. _Bucky,_ a ghost whispered in his ear, and the Winter Soldier felt a hand brush gently against his cheek. He needed to breathe, he needed to see, and he couldn’t. He was drowning in those blue eyes, and the hand against his cheek was dragging him under. He couldn’t hear, he couldn’t see, he couldn’t breathe—

The sound of laughter abruptly cut through the Winter Soldier and everything snapped back into place. The two children had resumed their game of chase around the house and Jonathan Mailer had gone to the kitchen to add some finishing touches to his son’s birthday cake. Harriet Mailer was reading a book, but the Winter Soldier noticed her glancing at him every once in a while, a look of worry on her face. He noticed that he had a faint level of perspiration and an elevated heart rate. He shifted his position to appear more relaxed and breathed deeply to slow his heart. He had been warned about this, of course, too much time out of stasis could lead to the brain malfunctioning and giving him meaningless images and sounds. He would have to report this after their assignment, he just had to make sure he held out and they didn’t have to abort before the Scarlet Spider had at least finished placing bugs all around the house.

A little less than an hour passed before he experienced another malfunction. The Mailers had brought out their son’s cake and clapped when he managed to blow out all the candles on the first try. The family was sitting around the table eating cake with the Scarlet Spider sitting next to James Mailer when the sound of the door opening and closing alerted them to the presence of a guest. The Winter Soldier casually rested his hand near one of the many knives he carried on him, and he noticed the Scarlet Spider doing the same. James Mailer ran forward just as a young man came around the corner. He looked to be at least five years older than Jonathan Mailer, and judging by the similarities in their faces, the Winter Soldier guessed the man was Jonathan Mailer’s brother Thomas.

“Who are you?” the Scarlet Spider asked, and the fearful tone she had opted for made the Winter Soldier’s surroundings disappear again. A little girl stood before him, he knew her. She was scared of him, how did he know her? The Winter Soldier mentally shook himself and everything returned to normal. Thomas Mailer was smiling at the Scarlet Spider while James Mailer jumped up and down and waved his arms in the air.

“Mommy, daddy!” he cried, he said something else, but the Winter Soldier couldn’t hear him. That hadn’t been right, he should have been scared. No, why would he be scared? Who was scared? Again the child appeared before him, this time she was clinging to a pink wall. She was making too much noise, he had to silence her. Who was she? He knew her, he knew her, he knew her. _Bucky!_

A loud bang filled the room and the Winter Soldier almost didn’t stop himself from pulling out one of his knives before he noticed the tattered remains of one of the balloons and heard Thomas Mailer say “Oops.” The rest of the residents had begun to laugh but for some reason he couldn’t hear it. All he could hear was the sound of his blood pumping through him and his gasping breaths. Why was it so hard to breathe? Why was his right arm shaking? Why couldn’t he see? Where was he?

He could hear the girl crying, who was she, why was she crying? He made her cry, her parents were dead, she was his mission, she was Karen Parker, she was the Scarlet Spider! He reached for her, she had to stay quiet. _Bucky!_ A hand was outstretched before him, he had to take it, had to, had tohadtohadto. He was falling, why was he falling? He could see her falling next to him, she was so small and she was falling. He did this, they were falling and it was his fault. He reached his hand out to her, but he couldn’t reach. _I did this I did this IdidthisIdidthisIdidthis_ _I_ _—_

_BUCKY!!_

“Can you hear me, Matthew? It’s me, Jonathan, I’m right here. You’re safe, it’s okay. Can you hear me, Matthew?” For a minute he didn’t know who was talking, then he remembered where he was, his vision cleared and he could see Jonathan Mailer’s face frowning with concern.

“I can hear you, I can hear you,” he gasped. He closed his eyes and tried to control his breathing while Jonathan spoke to him.

“Crystal didn’t notice, we didn’t tell her,” Jonathan murmured. “It’s okay, you haven’t ruined today for her. You’re okay, you’re safe.” He wanted to tell Jonathan he knew he was safe, but his heart was still racing and his head was spinning and he was having a hard time breathing. “Just breathe with me, Matthew okay? Breathe in...and out. In...and out. You’re safe.” Jonathan’s voice washed over him and he found that his heart rate slowed as he breathed in time with him. After a minute he was no longer shaking and his breathing felt more controlled. He still felt sick and light-headed, but he pushed himself off of the floor, (when had he gotten there?), and looked around him. He was in a dimly lit room covered wall to wall in glass cases containing rows of small decorative spoons. He could faintly hear the children laughing in the other room, for some reason the sound made the tension in his shoulders release.

“Where am I?” he whispered. He tried to stand but he swayed on his feet. Jonathan grabbed hold of his arm and helped him stay upright.

“Oh, this is just the room where I keep my collection,” Jonathan said. “Harriet told the kids I’m showing it to you, I usually do that to every guest at least once.” Jonathan looked away from the many cases and looked into his eyes. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” he said, then “I’m sorry.”

Jonathan shook his head. “You don’t need to apologize for anything,” he said. “I used to get panic attacks all the time, I still do, occasionally.” He smiled, but he didn’t look happy. “I know what it’s like.” A minute of silence passed awkwardly before Jonathan broke it. “Are you feeling up to heading back out there?” he asked.

“I think so,” he said. Looking at his reflection in one of the glass cases he took a deep breath and brought his face back to the neutral emotionless expression it always held. He wiped away tears he hadn’t even noticed had been there and nodded.

The rest of the day passed by without incident. The Scarlet Spider tilted her head to the side slightly when he walked back into the room which he knew was her asking if he had found any useful information, he subtly shook his head no at her, and she resumed playing with James. The Mailers served supper and insisted the two of them stay. Harriet piled a large amount of food on his plate, and he found it helped with the dizziness.

Just as they were finishing supper James asked the Scarlet Spider if she could sleep over. She turned to him with big eyes and asked in her best Innocent Child voice “Can I, daddy?” He pretended to think about it before nodding, and she cheered with delight. As he was leaving he wrapped her up in a hug and she whispered “Hail HYDRA,” into his ear. He repeated the phrase back, but he found that the words made him feel as if there was a stone in his stomach.

He didn’t sleep. Instead, he spent two hours telling himself he should report back to HYDRA that he was malfunctioning, but every time he considered it the ghost whispered in his ear. _Bucky._ He thought of the name, and he thought of those impossibly blue eyes. He thought of the girl, Karen, the Scarlet Spider. He thought of the sight of her frightened, terrified, of him. He thought of her parents’ bodies, left behind without a second glance. And he thought of those blue, blue eyes and the name in his ear.

“Bucky.” The name felt strange on his tongue, almost familiar. He said it again. He smiled.

He spent the next two hours disposing of half of the weapons and packing the rest. Afterwards he searched around town until he found a car to steal. He found the owner dead in his home, he had so far not been discovered for days, and probably wouldn’t be found for another week. He packed all of their provisions into the stolen car and parked it two blocks away from the apartment. He tried to sleep after that, but he couldn’t stay still, and the voice kept whispering in his ear.

The next morning he picked the Scarlet Spider up from the Mailers. They both thanked him for coming over yesterday and reminded him that if he needed anything he just had to ask. He slipped Jonathan a note as he shook his hand, a warning so that he and his wife would know the danger they were in, and then he and the Scarlet Spider left.

Instead of taking her to the apartment he began walking to the stolen car. “Where are we going, sir?” she asked while matching his pace step for step.

“Our mission has changed,” he said. “I have taken care of everything, we will be moving.”

“What is the new mission, sir?”

“How much sleep did you get last night?” he asked instead of answering her. He walked up to the car and opened the door.

“Three point four hours,” she answered.

“That is not a sufficient amount for a child your age. Sleep in the car, I will tell you about the mission after we have relocated."

“Yes sir.” The Scarlet Spider lay down in the backseat and closed her eyes. In a few minutes her breathing had slowed and he could tell she was asleep. He looked at her, a child who he had handed over to HYDRA. He thought about her parents and how happy she had been with them. He thought of Pierce, who would not know they were missing for a few days. He thought of blue eyes.

_Bucky._

Bucky smiled and started the car. It hummed to life and he was struck by the feeling that he had done this before. As he drove away from their little apartment and the Mailers and HYDRA he began to hum softly. A few years later he would remember the song was called White Cliffs of Dover. The Scarlet Spider slept in the car, and for the first time he could remember, Bucky felt like he was doing the right thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to write this chapter, university is stressful and writing is hard.  
> I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, it might take me a while to write the next one I'm afraid, (again, university).  
> Please leave comments as they literally make my whole day.


	3. A New Mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky thought about what he would tell the Scarlet Spider as they drove. Her enhanced senses gave her the ability to hear a person’s pulse, so she would be able to tell if he lied. He tried to predict what questions she might ask, and what answers he would give. He planned his words as carefully as he dared, though he knew it might not be enough.

The Scarlet Spider woke up five hours later, by then it was past noon and the sun was beating down on them. They didn’t speak the whole drive, and Bucky made sure to make as few stops as possible. He thought about what he would tell the Scarlet Spider as they drove. Her enhanced senses gave her the ability to hear a person’s pulse, so she would be able to tell if he lied. He tried to predict what questions she might ask, and what answers he would give. He planned his words as carefully as he dared, though he knew it might not be enough.

When the sun had just finished setting they finally stopped at a hotel. It was a small place stuck next to the seemingly endless road, where people on road trips might stay for the night. There were only two cars parked outside and the receptionist barely even glanced at them when they checked in. Bucky had wanted to keep driving for at least another day, but he knew he should have a clear head when explaining things to the Scarlet Spider.

“This mission is about you,” he told her as he handed her a bowl of spaghetti. They were almost out of food now, he would have to buy more tomorrow. “You need to mature into the person you were meant to be.”

“I am mature,” she replied. “All my teachers have told me so.” Shit. This was going to be hard.

“Yes, but you have not finished growing mentally,” he said. “You need to learn about the world so that you can understand your place in it.”

“The Scarlet Spider is the daughter of HYDRA and it’s most loyal subject. She is the treasure of HYDRA and she will help shape the world into what it should be.” Her voice was flat and monotonous as she spoke, Bucky thought of the laughing child in her mother’s arms and felt his heart clench.

“That is HYDRA’s world,” he explained. “And you must learn about the outside world as well. Once you know this,” he gestured to the dingy room, “world as well as HYDRA’s, you will know exactly what to do with it.”

The Scarlet Spider thought a moment. “So,” she said. “Once I understand where I would fit in this world, and how it functions, I will know how to change it into HYDRA’s world?”

Oh, Bucky hated that question, he wished she hadn’t asked. But she was a child, so she was curious. And he couldn’t lie to her. Or to himself.

“Yes.”

The Scarlet Spider nodded. “How will this mission be carried out, sir?”

“The first thing you must know is that we are on the run from enemies.” The Scarlet Spider grabbed one of her knives. “You won’t be concerning yourself with them!” he added. “That is my job. You will focus on the mission, I will handle everything else.” The Scarlet Spider put her knife down and resumed eating her spaghetti. “Since we are on the run we won’t be able to stay in one place for long, but we will play the roles of a father and daughter. You will learn how it is to be a normal girl and observe how other people live.” This next part might be a mistake, but he had to try. “We will be changing names with every town we go to, but when we are alone, I will call you Karen.” He searched her face for some kind of reaction, but he found none. “And you will refer to me as your father, so that you are always learning. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir,” she replied.

“Good, but our mission has already begun. Say that again.”

“Yes, Dad.”

Hearing her say that made his throat tight, but he ignored it as he finished his supper. He would have to be careful with how he taught her, she couldn’t know they were running from HYDRA.

  


It took a week for them to leave the country, and for her to ask the question that Bucky had both been anticipating and dreading. During that time he and the Scarlet Spider changed names every day, and only spent a few hours outside. Bucky assured her that once they were out of the country it would be safer for her to be out in the open, and her mission would progress more smoothly. He made sure that she was always asking questions to people, he hoped it would help her understand how other people see the world.

Bucky rarely slept. Most nights he would be kept awake by the thought of perfect blue eyes, that ghost whispering his name in his ear, and the knowledge that he should _remember_ something constantly nagging at him. He made sure to keep this hidden from the Scarlet Spider, and he made sure she always slept and ate enough. It was strange, pretending to be her parent when he was really her parents’ murderer. But he couldn’t dwell on that, not when he had to focus on keeping them hidden, and keeping her in the dark.

Every time Bucky said the Scarlet Spider’s name he would search her face for some kind of recognition, but never found any. He knew it wasn’t likely that she remembered anything from when she was three years old, but he still couldn’t help but hope. Hope was dangerous, and he hoped for far too many things. Part of him had started to think that maybe the Scarlet Spider would eventually forget about HYDRA if they kept running long enough. But that thought was forced away from him when they were sitting in their small apartment in Mexico. A map was spread out before him and he was so deep in thought that he almost didn’t hear the Scarlet Spider when she spoke.

“Dad?”

She was tossing one of her knives casually from one hand to the other, but for once she looked thoughtful, maybe even confused, but that might have been a stretch.

“What is it, Karen?” he asked. Again, he looked to see if she reacted to the name, and he was surprised to see her frown slightly.

“I think it might be best if you call me by a different name,” she said. Bucky blinked in surprise.

“Why?” he asked. She had stopped tossing the knife and was staring at it with a distant look in her eyes.

“Because I never use a name for more than one mission, and that name is familiar to me. I don’t remember the mission though, do you know what it was?” Bucky had stopped breathing. He searched his memories of every time he said her name for something he might have missed, but came up empty. _She’s an even better actor than I thought,_ he thought to himself. Bucky’s mind raced, what was he supposed to say? _C’mon Buck,_ the ghost whispered. _When have you ever been tongue-tied talking to a girl?_

“You never used that name for a mission,” he began. “It was your name before you were brought to HYDRA.”

The Scarlet Spider frowned at him. “I was born at HYDRA, not brought.”

Bucky shook his head. “No,” he said. “When you were three years old you were taken by HYDRA, before that your name was Karen Parker.”

“HYDRA is my mother and father,” she said, her knuckles had turned white with how hard she was gripping the knife, and her voice had gone cold. Bucky remembered Pierce saying the same thing to her three years ago when she had cried for her parents.

“HYDRA did not birth you Karen, your parents did, and they were not HYDRA. HYDRA killed your parents and brought you to them.” He was talking as quickly as he could now, for fear that if he didn’t tell her all of this now he would never get the chance again. “They made you into a weapon when you should have been a child and they hurt you when you didn’t do well enough. What they did to you was _wrong_ Karen!”

Her knife was suddenly against his throat and her face was inches from his. “That is _not_ my name!” she snapped. Bucky noticed her hand was shaking ever so slightly. “I am the Scarlet Spider, and HYDRA loves me!”

“No, Karen,” he whispered. “HYDRA loves what you can _do_ , HYDRA doesn’t love you.” A fist connected with his jaw and for a second he saw stars. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry Ka-”

She grabbed his hair and pulled it so that he was facing her. “STOP CALLING ME THAT!” she shouted. “You are nothing! You don’t know anything! HYDRA loves me! HYDRA lo-” she was broken off by a sob and Bucky’s eyes widened when he saw tears streaming down her face.

Slowly he brought his hands up to frame her face, she flinched at the contact, but she didn’t pull away. “I love you, Karen,” he whispered. “Not because of your abilities or your achievements. I love you because you deserve to be loved. HYDRA wronged you and I will do everything in my power to make it right for you.” He wiped away the tears on her cheeks. “Please,” he said.

He couldn’t read her eyes, but this time it was because there was too much emotion for him to process it all. Her lips were moving, but no sound was coming out, and for a moment Bucky thought she had understood. But then her eyes hardened and she glared at him.

“Sputnik,” the Scarlet Spider said. Bucky’s eyes rolled back, and the last thing he heard before losing consciousness was her whispering “Traitor,” in his ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took so long. School was ridiculously difficult and the dialogue with this chapter was a real challenge for me. Hopefully I can finish the next one more quickly.


	4. Recourse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plans change, and questions arise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry it's taken me so long to write this chapter. Procrastinating is a bad habit of mine, but my sister made me sit down and stop worrying about how this chapter would turn out. Also, thank you all soooo much for all of the kudos and comments! I know I haven't answered every comment but I read them all, thank you!

_The lights aren’t too bright, but there are people everywhere and he is looking for someone. He turns and he sees impossibly blue eyes at the other end of the room. He begins to walk towards them, he can’t lose them, can’t lose_ him. _The crowd begins to push back at him, trying to stop him. The blue eyes are getting farther away, he can’t get to him, he has to._

_A woman hands him a drink. She has red lipstick and she’s in charge so he knows he should drink what she’s given him._ But why bother? I can’t get drunk anymore. _He looks up from his drink and the blue eyes are closer now, he steps forward, music starts to play._

_The scenery changes, it’s small, and safe, and familiar._ Buck, c’mon. _The eyes are right in front of him, he can tell the ghost is pretending to be annoyed._ You know I can’t dance. _Yes, that’s true, but he saved up for_ _weeks for_ _this record and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t get at least one dance with him._

_He rests his hands on a small waist and smiles._ C’mon doll, _he murm_ _u_ _rs._ Just move with me. _The ghost roles his blue, blue eyes, but he can feel his waist move, even if it’s not quite in time with the music._

You owe me _, the ghost mutters. He smiles, but then something changes, the waist he is holding is no longer small and the eyes are higher up than they should be. The ghost stands out of reach of him._ Can’t dance in front of all these people Buck, but when the war’s over I’ll dance with you every night.

It’s over now _, he shouts to the ghost. He reaches for him, but the eyes move back._

Is it? _The eyes turn away from him and rest on someone standing next to them. She is young and small, and she’s covered in blood. No, she isn’t supposed to be like this! He reaches for her, but instead feels his hand close around the handle of a mug. Brown liquid swirls inside it, he looks up and sees the eyes watching him, he should drink it._

Why bother? _she asks._ You’ll never get drunk again _. She walks up to him and pushes him off the train,_ _and he falls while she watches him._ Hail HYDRA.

 

Bucky jolted awake with the sound of wind and screams still howling in his mind and the smell of gunpowder burning his lungs.

It took two minutes for his breaths to slow and his heart rate to return to normal. By then, his mind had caught up with him and he remembered what happened. He scrambled up off the floor in a panic and his eyes fell on the small clock hanging on the wall. He had been unconscious for eight hours. Eight hours. His breathing became more rapid. He would be taken back. They would take him back and they would bind him to the chair and...they would...they would.

Bucky curled up on the floor as he tried to slow his breathing down. He didn’t want to go back. He _couldn’t_. Not again. His metal hand clawed at the floor, denting the wood while he started to shake from sobs.

_It’s okay, Buck,_ he heard the ghost whisper in his ear. _This war won’t last forever, we’ll be home soon._ He could almost feel a pair of strong arms wrap themselves around him. He wanted to stay like this, this was the closest to safe he’d felt in as long as he could remember. But the ghost wasn’t real, it was just an echo from somewhere in his mind that he didn’t understand, and HYDRA was going to come for him. He shook himself and stood up, doing his best to even out his breaths. He had to think, how long would it have taken the Scarlet Spider to contact HYDRA? How long did he have? _Wait..._

Bucky looked back at the clock. It had been eight hours. Eight hours. He had been unconscious for eight hours but HYDRA wasn’t here. HYDRA would have gotten here by now, why weren’t they here? He stared at the clock. But it still told him that he had been unconscious for eight hours, and nothing more.

Bucky carefully crept up to the nearest window and peered out through the crack in the curtain. There were no cars parked a few blocks away with people inside, and even with his enhanced eyesight he couldn’t see any HYDRA agents hiding in the shadows. He stepped away from the window and sat back down on the couch, his head spinning.

The Scarlet Spider had left to tell HYDRA their location, why hadn’t they come for him yet? He was gripped with a sudden terror as the thought crossed his mind that the Scarlet Spider could have been possibly injured. He ran for the door, but as his hand closed on the handle he realized he had no idea where she could have gone. It was late evening when she left, would anyone have even seen her leave? He began to pace around the room. He couldn’t calm down and he couldn’t think straight. Where could she have gone?

Just then the Scarlet Spider walked in through the door.

Bucky spun around in surprise. He could see no signs of injuries on her, in fact, she stood before him as if nothing had happened.

“Where were you?” he asked her.

“Out,” she replied, but she didn’t meet his eye when she said it. Her gaze remained fixed on the other end of the room.

“Are you hurt?”

“No.” Once again her voice was flat and emotionless, like it had been throughout their entire journey, except for that brief moment where she’d begun to crack.

“Karen-”

“I don’t want you to call me that!” she snapped, the barest hint of some kind of emotion ghosting her words.

“Of course,” he said. “What would you like me to call you?”

She was silent for a few moments before whispering “I don’t know.” Bucky tried to say something to help her, but no words came. What could he say to reduce the damage he had done?

“Can we go to Japan?” Bucky blinked in surprise.

“What?”

“Can we go to Japan?” the Scarlet Spider repeated.

“Why?” She shrugged.

“I want to learn Japanese.”

Bucky thought about it. He didn’t know any Japanese either, so it would be difficult to find their way around, but HYDRA wouldn’t think of looking for them there for that same reason. Not to mention, this was something the Scarlet Spider _wanted_ to do. How often had she gotten to do what she wanted since being taken in by HYDRA? But there was also the possibility that this was some sort of trap, but that didn’t really make much sense. It would be easier for HYDRA to capture him here, and no one had come for him, and she _wanted_ to go...

“Alright,” he said. “Let me plan out our route.”

The Scarlet Spider did not smile, she simply nodded and said “Thank you,” before walking into her bedroom and closing the door behind her. Bucky stared at the door and thought about everything that had happened, but none of it made any sense. _Maybe it will one day_ , he thought. He looked back at their map and sighed. He was going to have to do some research.

**Author's Note:**

> Well there we go, one chapter done! I'm not super great at multi-chapter fics, but I'm feeling pretty confident about this one. Please let me know what you thought in the comments, I will happily accept constructive criticism.


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